


Epilogue: Left Alone With His Thoughts

by vespertineflora



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x08, Episode: s09e08 Rock and a Hard Place, Gen, Reflection, Rock and a Hard Place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vespertineflora/pseuds/vespertineflora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long day, Dean takes some time to really think about what happened with Suzie, and exactly what sort of person his desperation made him become. Epilogue to 9x08</p>
            </blockquote>





	Epilogue: Left Alone With His Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think anyone is happy with Dean's creepy and OOC behavior with Suzie, but since it's unfortunately canon, I wrote this to cope.

It was only later that night, when Dean actually had time to think, that he realized that what he’d done to Suzie was something that he’d usually punch another guy for doing to a lady.

Yeah, okay, so he thought chastity and virginity were sort of silly concepts. He never had thought there was something sacred or taboo about sexual contact, and knowing there was no God standing in judgment of what someone did with their naughty bits, or how often they did it, only added fuel to that flame. He’d always just believed that if someone wanted to have sex, that they should (and in the same respect, if they didn’t want to have sex for whatever reason, they shouldn’t), but a vow of chastity for God’s sake or the title of “virgin” were, by themselves, not very convincing reasons to not have sex as far as Dean was concerned.

But that didn’t excuse what he’d done. He hadn’t wanted to see it at the time, but in retrospect, he realized that Suzie hadn’t really come on to him at all, not in any explicit way. Dean was usually pretty passive in his pursuit of women, and though he wouldn’t admit it to Sammy, when he did get laid, it was usually at the woman’s suggestion. He’d flirt a little, show his interest, but he always figured that if she was interested in him, she’d make the next move. He’d never been one to flirt ruthlessly with a woman, or make multiple unwanted passes, and he’d knocked out more than one guy he’d seen at bars doing that to ladies who just wanted to be left alone.

So yeah, she’d smiled at him, but smiling at someone didn’t mean you wanted to fuck them. At the time, he’d reasoned that if she didn’t want to have sex with him, she wouldn’t have let him come back to her place at all, but realizing that he’d even thought that now made him sick. Consenting to being escorted home was not consenting to sex, and just the idea that Dean had let himself make such a horrible leap in logic to justify his advances was enough to chase sleep away for good that night, his own form of self-punishment.

It didn’t matter that it had, somehow, worked out. It didn’t matter that Suzie eventually wanted to sleep with him in return, was willing to forgo her chastity vow with him... Just the idea that he’d gone so far, that he’d been so desperately obsessed with getting laid that he’d completely ignored everything he stood for just to pursue her twisted his stomach into knots.

Any feeling of accomplishment he’d thought he’d felt was now gone completely, disgraced by his... really douchebag behavior. In light of this, he couldn’t even be pleased by the fact that he’d had actual sex with a porn star (ex-porn star), and one of his favorites to boot, he wouldn’t be able to have good dreams about how great the sex had been, or fantasize about it later. He’d probably never be able to watch that Casa Erotica DVD ever again without a sick sense of guilt. He could only hate himself a little bit more than before.

It had been stupid anyway, honestly. It had been a stupid desire. He wasn’t WITH Cas, he’d NEVER been with Cas, it was really fucking stupid to... to feel like Cas was moving on from him, and to feel the need to move on too. They’d never been a couple--they certainly hadn’t... broken up or anything. Dean didn’t need to prove anything to Cas or to himself by sleeping with a woman, but he’d somehow felt if he did...

Well, he had somehow tricked himself into thinking that, if he did, it wouldn’t hurt so much. If he could just have sex with someone (for the first time in what, over two years?), the fact that Cas had... slept with April, had so willing accepted a date with Nora... well, maybe Dean wouldn’t feel so abandoned if he could just get back into his old swing of things and get laid... because if Cas could find a way to live a life without him, Dean should be able to do that too, right?

But now, lying on his back on the stiff hotel bed, he felt worse than ever. Now he not only missed the fuck out of Cas and felt really shitty about kicking him out and watching him have to adapt to human life without Dean being there to help teach him, on top of feeling an ominous sense of dread about Zeke and Sam... now he felt like a complete and utter douchebag for how he had acted with Suzie, and really all he needed right now with his guilt about the tangled web of lies he’d weaved for himself over the last few weeks was for MORE guilt to be dumped on top of that.

Dean knew it was all his fault, that he’d dug his own grave here by trusting Zeke and pushing Cas away, but that made him feel the opposite of better.

It took everything in him to resist the urge to get up, find a liquor store open at this hour of the night, and buy enough whiskey to drown himself in it, make himself pass out just to get some sleep, but he’d made himself stop chasing his problems away with alcohol a while ago, and besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve to feel shitty for a while. In the morning, with Sam awake and beside him, ready to drive back to the bunker, he’d have to put this behind him, put on his game face and pretend like everything was good... but for now, staring at the stupidly plaid walls of the darkened room as sleep eluded him, he berated himself better than anyone else could; he’d take his punishment. Lord knew he deserved it.


End file.
